It was always a back and forth relationship and I was never satisfied with being here. I didn’t seem to understand why here, why this place. Living in New York was always like playing tug of war and I was never happy here. I don’t really remember where it all started, maybe it was when I was just born, or watching movies about New York that just so happened to be playing on the TV. My perception of New York changes every day, month, year. As I grow older, I feel so distant to here, from what I call home. 

Even though, I was born and raised here in Brooklyn, New York, my vision of New York changes and I seem to feel detached. New York to me was Christmas and I can only think of the happiest moments here but for some reason I feel so melancholy. That was before, now New York to me is exploring what’s outside just my house, getting to see more of New York. Living in NY has given me the opportunity to relive again and has given me an advantage that everything is within reach than those who would love to live here and due to circumstances can’t at the moment. “Nothing was irrevocable; everything was within reach. Just around every corner lay something curious and interesting, something I had never before seen or done or known about.” (Didon 229-230) is what I feel now, having a chance to be all to just walk around and being able to see all the nice things that NY has to offer.

My mom used to lie to me, every time we used to go to Toy R’ Us she would tell us “Oh no, these toys are not for you, they are for my godchildren back in Mexico,” so I never really thought much of it until I opened the gifts and it was the gifts we had picked out for my so said cousins, happy moments. Christmas eve came around and as a kid those were the happiest memories of my life, walking in what was once freshly paved snow, now all covered again. How we used to walk, and it used to snow so much it would pile up 1 foot to 3 feet.  New York before in winter felt like the Christmas in the movies, mainly Home Alone and to me as a 6-year-old, NY was magical, full of lights and lots of snow. However, this magic wasn’t just in the winter it carried along all the seasons. During the spring, we used to walk through the Botanical garden and see all these beautiful flowers. By summer, we walked in the sand by the ocean and feel the cold water. When fall came along, we used to go to museums and zoos wearing animal masks. We just explore and we would walk for hours. No matter where we went in NY, it was magical because we were together. NY had a place for all the seasons, and we were so happy to be living there. Just walking in NY with my family made me happy, being all together made me happy. New York was where I used to be happy all the time, it was family, it was rejoicing with each other now I can’t even do that, walk with each other. 

Then the unexpected happened, well not really, I knew it would come rather quickly, I was just in denial for a long time. My parents fought on a daily, I felt so mad at everything, I was sometimes mad at them for fighting and pretending we weren’t there. It took a toll on me,  I didn’t want to be in NY anymore. I felt so claustrophobic being here, in my room all the time. Being here only brought new bad memories, starting to slowly erase the once happy memories and get replaced by the bad ones. “Now when New York comes back to me it comes in hallucinatory flashes, so clinically detailed that I sometimes wish that memory would effect the distortion with which it is commonly credited.” (Didion 223). My happy place was gone, what I thought was my home was gone. NY had become this possessed, not magical at all place and I hated it.

After that NY had become grey to me, nothing was the same and for the next 5 years I had the same routine, from home to school and from school to home. I walked so lifeless. NY was becoming this place where it felt so suffocating and I was young there was nothing I could do about it. I never felt so alone in such a big city. I felt that no one would understand me but, I’m pretty sure someone could have gone through the same experience as me in NY. After some time, I concluded that I shouldn’t dwell too much on this because this was problem between my parents, and I should be focusing on me and my siblings.

After some time, I had made some friends in high school and everything seemed to be going much better. I had started to slowly realize that living in NY was the best thing that could have ever happened to me because I had the right people at the right time. Surrounding myself with good people had made the coping process so much easier. I was for once content again. 

So, by the 11^th grade I was still not at my best place, but I was happy again and being able to smile again was so rewarding for myself. I had to act like the oldest sibling because I was showing them that if I was alright, they too were alright. 

 By December of 2017, my friend had told me about this program that was going to have a meeting during about going to this national park to study wildlife there. I had never ever been outside the country and rather not NY. Of course, I had been to neighboring states like NJ and PA but that was just a car ride away, so going all the way to Gardiner, Montana seemed so terrifying. I had gone to this meeting just to hear more details but at the back at my head I was thinking that I couldn’t go, I can’t just leave NY, this is my home even if it’s for just one week it seemed so intimidating. I haven’t even consulted with my mother and how she would handle everything at home, I was the one doing everything. My mom was working long hours, so I had to cook, I had to drop off and pick up my little brother because my sister couldn’t. This trip was making things worse for my family and leaving NY wasn’t the best option. I had always been selfless, always putting others before myself, I have never thought of taking care of me or making myself happy. So, when I got home, I had told my mother about the meeting and she seemed like she wasn’t bothered if I had this trip, she said it would be okay and she can figure things out. I was ecstatic, being able to have such a rare opportunity didn’t come twice. All I needed now was to be accepted into the group.

 I was accepted to the group on December 20^th but once again the gloomy, grey and dreadful NY was coming back. Even though my parents were still fighting my father had taken the decision to leave the house and that just ruined me. I went to go cry at my room and once again the fighting resumed, my mother had kicked my father out of the house. I few days had passed, and my father came back to say goodbye and grab some of his clothes. I was just thinking of how this was supposed to be my happy moment, I was supposed to tell him I was leaving for a week. But of course, none of that mattered I had entered once again this void that its purpose was to suck out the happiness in me and only my happiness. I was in this feeling of happiness and sadness because I was finally leaving NY, this is what I wanted, this is what I had anticipated for so long and now that I have it I’m so afraid to take this step.

It was all leading to Yaneli, you can’t leave! Can’t you see your mother’s needs you ! Is this how you repay your mother? By leaving her? My mother was having such a hard time on her own, “My family was in a unique situation because we lived off of my father’s income as a freelance composer. Although I never had the sense that we were poor, I now realize that we must have, at certain times anyway, come pretty close to it.” (Daum 9). I didn’t want to leave anymore and I pondered for so long whether it was the right choice for me to leave in a moment like this but my mother had encouraged me that everything would be ok and that I didn’t have to worry. My father wasn’t helping us like he should’ve, like a responsible father he should’ve take some responsibility, so I made him pay for the expenses of the trip like winter clothes even though I was leaving until April, it was going to snow on some days. I felt so bad, guilty for making him pay for items for my trip, but my therapist had said that it was his responsibility to look after us. April came rather quickly and even though I felt so blameworthy that I was leaving behind home. I thought of it as a learning opportunity. At the small town of Gardiner, I slept most of my free time, and smile with my friends, look up at the stars. It made me realize that leaving NY was so great, it felt refreshing to be able to live such a different lifestyle. NY has all these opportunities for me, it made me realize that I don’t love New York, I was only in love with the appearance of New York, I love the image New York had because of the Christmas movies, I just loved what New York had to offer to me and then I would take it and leave New York.

My trip to Gardiner made me realize that I’m only here in New York for my family and the reason why I never left New York for college was because I’m selfless and can only think of my family. I had always felt that my relationship with New York wasn’t the strongest. Others would kill to live here, and it would make them so happy to have opportunities everywhere. Instead all I want is to leave but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I want to live in New York until I’m able to leave and explore what makes me happy. New York once made me happy, but I don’t blame it, I’m glad it taught me to value what I have and learn from it. I once loved New York but now it just suffocates me, it like a toxic love, I cannot leave it because it benefits me, I gain from it. Until I’m ready to leave this toxic relationship I will be happy. For the time being I shall make great use of this time and learn lots before leaving or maybe never leave and find time to take breaks from New York because it gets stuffy in here.